Motherhood makes you crazy

On June 23rd, 2007 at 7:07am I became a mother for the first time. This is the day I met the little man who had been filling me with love and hope, keeping me company for the last nine months, and who immediately made me have a better understanding of my own mother and why she is the way she is.

Your anxiety as a parent begins the moment that child exits your body. Are they turning pink? Why aren't they crying yet? Is he crying too softly? Does he have all of his fingers and toes? All of these concerns are something every parent goes through in those first 5 minutes with your child. It only grows and grows as they get older. You think it would be eased, but a new set of worries comes with each developmental stage. When will he crawl? When will he walk? Why isn't he talking yet?

I try to take control of my anxiety and make it as much of a choice as I can. I have a very clear way to talk myself out of an attack. I ask myself this question, is this something I can control? If the answer is yes, my mind unfortunately will not calm down until I come to a resolution. If the answer is no, I resolve that it is no longer my problem.

This is where my mom couldn't change. I wish I had been there for her somehow when we were growing up, or someone had some advice for her, or a ear to vent to. The choice for her, was to always be on guard, to always be consumed with worry, whether or not it was in her control. My anxiety tends to center around my children, as I am sure it does with a lot of parents who have this condition. My worry is irrational though, about scenarios that are likely to never happen. This is what made me adapt and ask the question "Is this something I can control?" I want to be there for people like my mom, people who don't have anyone to talk to, people who have no idea why their bodies are betraying them and why their minds wont let them settle. I want people like my mom to not feel alone, different, or ashamed their minds and bodies react the way they do. So everyday I try my best to make my anxiety my choice as much as possible, and be an example to look up to.