I've never really written these memories down, or shared them with the world like I am now. Another factor that exaggerates my anxiety has been my self awareness. I have always been extremely aware of my surroundings, the energies and attitudes of others, and even the inner workings of my own body. I have been this way as early as I can remember, probably around 6. I have always been extremely articulate when it comes to my feelings, be them physical or emotional. I use the term "hypochondriac" very loosely with myself, but I relate to the definition. I am always worried that changes in my physical well being are always for the worse. As soon as my heart races, as soon as there is a color or texture difference in my skin, a sudden headache, anything at all really, my immediate thoughts turn to doom. I have gotten better over time with coping techniques and the other half of me, the side that fights the anxious thoughts, she tells me to shut up and be normal. Not literally, I don't hear voices, don't worry.
I've come to realize that I have been this way from at least 6 years old. My earliest memory of my self awareness becoming an issue starts around then. I cannot remember the exact ailment I was dealing with, likely a stomach ache from my secret over eating that I am sure is either a product of or symptom of my anxiety, but I complained to my mother and was persistent about the issue. I was taken to the doctor promptly. I can remember overhearing the doctor telling my mother that there was no issue with my physical health, but I was suffering from "Middle Child Syndrome." The doctor believed my symptoms sparked from a lack of attention I was seeking to fix. Having been so aware of my feelings even at that age, I was outraged, I truly felt as though something was physically wrong with me. Something was wrong with me, not physically, but already my mind raced and my irrational thoughts consumed my attention. I haven't always been awesome. It has taken years of introspection and finding what works best for me to avoid an anxiety episode turning in to a full blown panic attack.
I don't regret the experiences I've had, or the fact it took years for myself and my doctor to realize I am the way am. Not having easy answers, not knowing, that has been whats inspired me to learn about myself and to share my experiences in dealing with mental illness.
I've come to realize that I have been this way from at least 6 years old. My earliest memory of my self awareness becoming an issue starts around then. I cannot remember the exact ailment I was dealing with, likely a stomach ache from my secret over eating that I am sure is either a product of or symptom of my anxiety, but I complained to my mother and was persistent about the issue. I was taken to the doctor promptly. I can remember overhearing the doctor telling my mother that there was no issue with my physical health, but I was suffering from "Middle Child Syndrome." The doctor believed my symptoms sparked from a lack of attention I was seeking to fix. Having been so aware of my feelings even at that age, I was outraged, I truly felt as though something was physically wrong with me. Something was wrong with me, not physically, but already my mind raced and my irrational thoughts consumed my attention. I haven't always been awesome. It has taken years of introspection and finding what works best for me to avoid an anxiety episode turning in to a full blown panic attack.
I don't regret the experiences I've had, or the fact it took years for myself and my doctor to realize I am the way am. Not having easy answers, not knowing, that has been whats inspired me to learn about myself and to share my experiences in dealing with mental illness.
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